Today is a perfect for starting this blog which I was supposed to start weeks ago, around the time I peed on a first plastic stick. Today is perfect for couple of reasons.
First of all, today is nothing special. It's already ten days after my birthday, it's not Monday, it's not the first, my pregnancy week number is not even. I'm 21 weeks pregnant. And one day.
Second- today I already fought with myself twice, and I won twice.
First time was just before midday, when my Husband( see 'about') was leaving to work- I got one of my panick attacks. I started to cry, hysterically, I couldn't breath and I didn't make any sense. My Husband gave me a big hug and a small kiss and he left- he was in late already. In between I'm useless and I swear I clean this house every fuckin day and it's still dirty and my poor baby probably has no idea what's going on I'm a horrible mother I got a spark of an idea. I got up, made myself decaff, ate a bit of chocolate and I washed my face. It was a good start. Then I cleaned this bloody house again, and I washed the clothes again and I even cleaned my closet for the first time since April. I was proud and happy- it was a first time I actually got up and went.
Second time was after I ate dinner and decided to finally learn how to thread my Machine. Machine was a birthday gift from my Husband, arrived yesterday. I felt in love straight away, cried a little bit, hugged my man, hugged my machine( we name her Machine), went to Argos to get shit loads of thread and sewing box. I felt very professional until I sat down in front of it. Then I felt lost. So today I spent two hours sitting on my ass, sending emails to Sandra, googling, youtubeing, reading instructions( the worst possible thing to do) and contemplating my stupidity. I went to the toilet and while peeing I thought- fuck it, bitch, when your child will shit himself all over and you won't be 100% sure how to clean him and change a nappy, will you just live him like this? I must admit- it's a heavy conversation to have with yourself- but it worked. In the next twenty minutes I was doing my first stitch*. And tomorrow I will even try to sew couple of things TOGETHER. Watch this space.
So there we go. It had to be today. So it is.
*Thank you SO MUCH Tilly and The Buttons! I would never make it without you.